Compiled by: Abdurahim bin Mizhir Almalki

Zainab

     I have been enamored with god since I was young. Like many children I would stare into the clouds or stars and wonder who, what, where, why, and how was God. Trying to verify His presence, I would set up quasi-experiments to find proof. For instance, setting a glass on a table and asking God to move it. With no result, I would vary the object and time, and tried not watching (maybe God did not want me to see Him move it?) Another time, I tested different methods of prayer to see which ones “worked.” Among many other things I tried praying on my face, on my knees, standing up, lying down, closing my eyes, having good posture, straightening my fingers, begging Him, offering a sacrifice, i.e., “God if you help me get a bicycle, I will never eat ice cream again.” After a while I realized that if God did what I asked Him to do to prove Himself to me, or if there was a prayer method that guaranteed my desired result, then I would have been God, not He.

     I was raised a Christian. As I grew up, I would go to different church denominations and ask the ministers how they knew, for sure, that God existed. Now, I would think that this would be the question they are asked most often, but as it turns out, they are almost never asked this question, and even more surprisingly, for the most part, they do not appear to like being asked this question. Eventually, I met a pastor who was not afraid of this question. In fact, he loved it and enjoyed and appreciated the genuine honesty of a searching soul. He was an intellectual, but more importantly, he was a highly spiritual individual. He answered every question I ever had, introduced me to many spiritual theories and principles, and helped me transform my prayer life from the childish behavior of asking God for everything (as if my prayer were a holiday presents wish list) into more mature meditative prayer of a follower who listens for God’s guidance and direction. My life was blessed by having known both him and his wife.

     I perceived a distance from God in Christianity. I discussed this with my pastor, stating that I wanted to develop my relationship with God. He suggested I might try praying more often during the day to aid in this matter, mentioning that Muslims pray five times daily. Of course he was not trying to peek my interest in Islam. Yet he did.

     Although I had taught in Sunday school, I had other difficulties with Christianity. The concept that Heaven can only be obtained through having Jesus as your Savior, with good and bad deeds having no relevance in the scheme of things, was an idea that always defied common sense. Theoretically, in Christianity a person who sins all day, every day of his life, will go to Heaven if he accepts Jesus as his Savior, even one second before he dies. The man that does all good, every day of his life, who does not accept Jesus as his Savior in his lifetime, is sentenced to eternal Hell. How much sense does that make? There are many additional problems I faced with Christianity, but I will not go into them at this point.

     One day I met several Muslim sisters, and I felt an instance kinship, unlike any I had previously held. Like myself, they did not date, swear, drink, among other things in the long list of common vices. It was such a great feeling to meet others with whom I held agreement about so many matters. I was surprised to learn that there were other people on the planet similar to myself. I had no idea such creatures existed.

     Since this was the second time Muslims had been brought to my attention, I decided that I should at least investigate Islam, so I called a mosque and went to it for direction. I was given a copy of the Qur’an, and so I started to read. Slowly my focus began to shift from Christianity to Islam. At first I stopped teaching the “Christ as Savior” part in my Sunday school lessons and opted for morality lessons each week. However, soon I was not able to look the children in the eyes when I taught because I felt I was a hypocrite to them and their parents, who were expecting me to be a Christian role model.

     I did not discuss Islam with anybody because I felt I was betraying all my Christian family and friends, and I did not even discuss it with my Muslim girlfriends because I did not want to have any pressure applied to my decision. Slowly, without my actually realizing it, I began to shift my beliefs. It was not a quick or easy transformation because my whole foundation of life was Christian based, yet it nonetheless transformed.

     One day a Muslim friend at school asked me what I enjoyed doing when I was not at school. I told her that my favorite activity was teaching Sunday school. She asked me where I taught, and I told her I was not teaching anywhere. She asked, “If that is your favorite thing to do, then why aren’t you doing it?” It was at this point that I realized I had changed without being aware that it had taken place. I slowly replied to her that I did not believe in Christianity any more, stunned and sad at this realization. It was very hard to utter those words. She asked why, so I explained that I had been reading Qur’an and believed in its contents, as opposed to those contained in the Bible. She asked, “So, are you Muslim?” I said, “I do not actually know what defines someone as a Muslim.” She asked me a number of questions about my beliefs, and then told me that I was a Muslim and only needed to convert. I asked how a person converts. She said, “You just need to repeat these words after me…” and I did. So I experienced the death of my Christianity and the birth of my Islam in a few minutes time. Needless to say, this moment is etched into my brain permanently.

     In the following month I was overwhelmed with the sense that I was home. I felt that what I had been looking for all my life had been found, and for the first time I was home where I belonged. Often I feel as though I was always a Muslim, but Allah decided that I best served His interest by being born into a Christian environment, as it places me in a position to serve Him from a much different angle than the born and raised Muslim. There are many things I have to learn from my Muslim brothers and sisters, yet there are many areas where Muslims can learn from those raised Christian. In subsequent months I started an Islamic Student Alliance at my university, and along with others started a mosque and Islamic weekend school in the place where I lived.

     In the future I would like to work in the administrative area of Islam. This is an area where Islam is struggling. I have learned a lot about how to make a religious entity successful from my previous study and from churches. I am also very interested in working within children’s education, as my love is here. In addition, I would like to work with assimilating other converted sisters. I do not want others sisters to have to go through the hardship I did to stay Muslim. Allah does something so good in converting an American sister who is searching for the right path, and pettiness, inexperience or ignorance often destroys it. A support program is necessary for converted sisters.

     Some religious people get angry when I say that God guided me and claimed it is impossible. First of all, the Qur’an begins by stating that we should go to God for guidance. Secondly, just because the angry person has never had this experience does not mean it doesn’t exist. It happens, and I am happy to try and explain how to get started, as far as I understand it.

     First of all, remember that God knows every iota of our intentions. So we must begin with utterly pure intentions. You cannot want God’s guidance for some reason or power or ego, etc. It must be for wholly unselfish reasons. God recognizes the impure heart, no matter how successfully someone might try to disguise it among the general public.

     Second, you must let go of all the things that you try to control in your life and recognize that God is in control. I think so often that God is trying to guide us towards what He wants us to do; however, we are too busy trying to make things go the way that we want that we are not able to hear Him.

     Third, you must be still and recognize God and all of His attributes.

     And fourth, you must be silent and just “be” with God. Again, the key is all in the honesty of intention. Your intention must be to behave in a pious way and to serve Allah and His purposes with no desire for personal gain.